Thelma Is The World's Funniest and No Nonsense First Lady of Comedy. Meet the hilarious first lady of comedy, Thelma Johnson, with her outrageous antics and her no-nonsense wisdom. Her sassy "tell-it-like-it-is" attitude will have you wondering, "What Kind of Mess is This? ™"
Don't Mess With Thelma!
Date of Birth: December 16, xxxx (none of your business per Thelma!)
Thelma Mae Smith (later known as Thelma Mae Johnson) was born in a small rural community of Hearne, Texas, but raised in the Bryan, Texas. Smith's mother noticed her acting ability at an early age. On her fourth birthday, her parents took her to see a local play called, "Who's Got the Key to the Outhouse?" The play opened Thelma's eyes to the theatrical world and the importance of keys.
After Smith graduated from high school she enrolled at the local community college to where she studied drama and public speaking. Upon completion of her degree, she applied for a position at a local television studio as a hand model for soap commercials.
She was fired when she refused to expose her elbows on the air. She vowed to one day have her own television show. It was at that point that she determinate not let people boss her around like any more. Later, that year, she married her high school sweetheart, Reverend Willie D. Johnson.
What Kind of Mess is This?
Those are the words most often unleashed by the outrageously funny First Lady of Comedy, Thelma Johnson. As well as other phases of wit such as "If you stir up mess it'll stink, you can either push or pull your little red wagon, every tub gotta sit on it's own bottom."
Join her for a hilarious season of "It's a Thelma," created by Deborah Elum. A sitcom based on the book, "A Church with Spots and Wrinkles," about the comic misadventures of a sassy, but lovable character - Thelma Johnson and a colorful cast of family and friends.
Serving up big laughs as Thelma insist on setting the record straight as to who has the last word.
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The Grass Looks Greener on the Other Side
My eyes popped open after I heard "Cluck!" It was my Betsy. She was in trouble. "That no good fox done struck again!" It was those same little beady eyes that sent shivers up my bones. Yesterday, when I saw him smacking on my grapes, I knew that he would come back for more. He was thinking, the grass looks greener on the other side. This time, I sneaked up behind him and whacked him with my cane. That's when that old fox dropped baby girl and ran inside the hen house. Betsy peeked up to see what was going on. Then she leaped to her feet and ran off as fast as she could. When the chickens saw the fox, they were so scared they were shaking like jell-o. They started flapping their wings and laying eggs. That old fox had his mouth wide-open ready to take a bite. "Oh no you don't," I said and grabbed him by the tail. He turned his head from side to side trying to bite my hand. "Don't bite the hand that feeds ya." Then I flicked his ear. "Yipe!" he yelled. "Nuh-uh, no back talk," I said as I looked him straight in the eyes. Somehow Betsy got up the courage to come and help me fight. She jumped on that old fox's head and started pecking him like a wild yard bird. I didn't know the girl had it in her. One of the chickens began to cluck three times signaling that it was over. It was clear that Betsy won the match. Then she strutted her tail feathers in the air and walked off. The other chickens surrounded her and began to give her high fives with their wings. The old fox tried sneaked out while we were congratulating her. Baby, that's not the end of the story. He didn't get far before I picked him up and twirled him around like a rag doll. Then, I put the "Thelma" on him. To this day, he still hangs in my closet.
If you Stir Up Mess It'll Stink
Last week, the ladies and I went to the hospital to visit one of the members from the church who had just given birth. There was something wrong with that baby but I just couldn't put my finger on it. When we got to her room, a nurse had just brought the baby out and that's when it hit me. Slapped me right in the face. That baby was ugly. I almost fainted. I said I almost fainted. "Isn't she the most beautiful baby you've ever laid your eyes on?" asked Sally Mae, the excited mother. "I've laid my eyes on lots of babies,"I added. "Now, that's a baby," Sally Mae said as she smiled and cradled it in her arms. "Now really, Mrs. Thelma, what do you real….ly think of her?" "Well, Sally Mae," I said, "The child does look just like her father." "And?" "And, I bet you're glad that it's over with, aren't you dear?" I asked her as I patted her arm. "Come on, Mrs. Thelma. Now, don't be modest." "You better go ahead and feed her because she's really hungry," I said as I clinched my chest. "She's crying her head off." I hoped that would be the end of the conversation about that ugly baby but Sally Mae wouldn't leave well enough alone. "Well, Sally Mae, my grandmother use to say, 'If you stir up mess it'll stink.'" "What do you mean by that?" "I tried not to tell you but since you insist on the truth, well here it is. I've never seen such an ugly baby in all my days! You ought to be ashamed of yourself for having such an ugly baby." Then I got right in her face and said, "Uggggly," as I snapped my neck from side to side. It just rolled off my tongue. The other ladies gasped. Then I told the nurse, "Take it back, take it back," as I tried to pulled the child from her mother's arms. "I can't believe you said that, Mrs. Thelma! You don't know a beautiful baby when you see one." "Well, I show knows an ugly one." She started crying and yelling at me something about keeping my opinions to myself. "If you don't want the truth then don't ask because I'm going to tell ya like it 'tis."
Wake Up and Smell the Coffee!
I snatched my wig off my head when I looked in the cabinet and saw that there was no more coffee. "Willie Dee Johnson, after thirty-five years of marriage you know that I've gots to have my coffee in the morning." He turned and looked at me and said, "Ooh wee Thelma, that's some nappy hair. Put your wig back on." The way I looked at him he almost jumped out of his skin. "Get! I said get!" as I slapped my hand down on the table. He didn't open his mouth. He leaped up from the table, grabbed his keys, and ran for the back door. As I look out the window, he was driving so fast that he lost control of the car and hit my prize rose bush. "My roses!" I shrieked as I ran outside. "Johnson, it was bad enough when you bought that off brand tissue that hurt my booty. And that you made me snatch off my wig. But running over my rose bush gonna make me curse!" "My babies! Look what you done to my babies." He kept looking around like he was innocent. "Johnson!" I yelled at him. "Don't make me acts a fool. Didn't you hear me? What do you have to say for yourself?" "Thelma, they look bad. Maybe you should get a…" Johnson stopped when he looked and saw me without my crowning glory. "Thelma your wig." "I don't care. Give me those keys and get out of my way," I said as I snatched them from his hand. "Johnson, you've better wake up and smell the coffee because you still don't get it." I thought to myself, some things I've gots to do myself.
Don't Bite Off More Than You Can Chew
"I'm gonna sue!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. "This place should be shut down by the health department!" I couldn't believe it but there it was right before my eyes. "Stop it, Thelma," Johnson insisted as he laid his head on the table and covered it with his napkin, too embarrassed to look up. "Is everything okay?" the waitress asked as she rushed over to our table. "There is hair in my food!" I yelled out as I threw my fork and knife down on the table. I started coughing. "It feels like I swallowed a hair ball." Everyone at the restaurant stopped eating and looked over at me. "What ya'll looking at? Ya'll never seen anyone cough up a hair ball before," I said as I took a sip of iced tea to clear it. "Maybe you're over reacting, Thelma," Johnson said as he raised up his head and smiled sheepishly at the waitress. The waitress smiled back at him and winked her eye. "Is something in your eye, dear?" I said as I gave her the Thelma stare. "You both listen to me good," I said with authority. "Today it's hair. What will it be tomorrow? Toenails? I'm going to sue. I said I'm going to sue." "Oh wee, Thelma, look how long it is," Johnson said as he pulled one of them from my plate and held it up for me to see. "Maybe yours can grow straight like this instead of that nappy stuff under your wig." I quickly jerked the strand from his hand. "Johnson stop that foolishness. I could've been seriously injured. I could've been on my way to the hospital..." Then I looked upside her head. I took out my bifocals from my purse to examine the specimen closer. "Uh-huh, just as I thought, it's a piece of weave!" The waitress started backing up slowly before I stopped her dead in her tracks. "Wait just one cotton-pick'n minute. It's yours! You nasty thing. You need a hair net on that weave, that's what you needs to do. That's a cheap weave coming out everywhere. What shop did you go to honey with hair coming out like that? It's all up in my food." I yelled out again, "That don't make no sense!" Then I coughed again. The manager rushed over. "Can I be of assistance?" as he grabbed my arm. "Listen, the next time you grab my arm you'll be drawing back a knub. I hope you don't expect us to pay a dime for this food with weaved hair in it?" "I'm so sorry. Of course not and to show our apologies, how about some free appetizers and another iced tea?" He motioned with his head for the waitress to bring us a peace offering. "Well, now you're talking. As long as they're free, we'll take some to go too." "Yes, ma'am. We just want you to be a satisfied customer. If there is anything I can do please let me know." Then he hurried off to the kitchen. After a few minutes, the waitress brought out a sorted array of tasty dishes. "You enjoy now," the waitress said as she pinched Johnson's cheek like he was a baby. Then she put a napkin around his neck. I gave her the eye again, "What are you going to do, cut up his food for him too. He's not a baby. If you don't stop all that special treatment I'm going to show you how to get a free weave by Thelma. So don't bite off more than you can chew!"
The Grass Looks Greener on the Other Side
Sometimes we think that we want what other people have. We want their life or their family or their job. But let me tell ya, Baby, we all have problems. Just because it looks good, it don't mean it's good for ya or that it's meant for you. We can't take what other people have just because it looks better or easier. The Moral of the Story: Don't be envious of other peoples' stuff, don't try to take what is not yours, and don't try to borrow my fox collar.
If You Stir Up Mess It'll Stink
There are some situations or discussions that are very touchy subjects. When you find out that another person don't want to discuss the issue, leave it alone. There may be another opportunity when they are more willing to discuss the matter. But usually, if you continue to demand an answer, they might tell you something that you don't want to hear. Use wisdom, Baby. The Moral of the Story: Some people like having conversations that lead to an argument. Don't let it be you, Sugar. And I still say that that baby was uggggly!
Wake Up and Smell the Coffee!
There are folks that won't listen to sound advice. When people try to correct them to let them know that they are headed in the wrong direction, they don't listen. Take for instance, Johnson. I don't believe that man pays attention to anything I say. If he did, he wouldn't get in so much trouble with me. People need to get their act together! The Moral of the Story: Many problems are caused when folks didn't listen to good advice. Don't create problems for yourselves and don't buy the wrong tissue, Child.
Don't Bite off More than You Can Chew
Sometimes people overreact to a problem that can easily be solved. Instead of addressing the problem with you calmly, they don't. Don't be like me, Baby. Don't let people upset ya and run your blood pressure up. In life, you're going to meet people with different personalities, ideas, and opinions. Deal with it! The Moral of the Story: Take smaller bites and don't get a cheap weave, Honey.
I'm Thelma Johnson. Now, here's some more good advice. I want you to check out my store, Baby.
Now Avaliable on DVD
Wake Up and Smell the Coffee by Deborah Elum comes to life on stage in a hilarious production about sisterhood, romance, and friends that will leave you thirsting for more. Join the fun as Olivia Nelson and her twin sister, Georgia, both believe they are the rightful heir to their mother's family heirloom, which ignites a fiery sibling rivalry. ISBN: 0-978-0-9679441-9-7. Feature Running Time 69 Minutes/Color, ISBN 978-0-9679441-9-7, Price 15.99, SHIPPING & HANDLING $3.95/DVD (USA).
Tommy Brown Stop That!
Tommy Brown is misbehaving again. Is it his curiosity or is he just a bad kitty? Either way, his hilarious misadventures will have your fur standing on end. Great surprises are in store as you curl up with Tom. Tommy Brown Misbehaving is a children's chapter book series recommended for children and the young at heart. A simply purrrfect read. "Tommy Brown Misbehaving," by Deborah Elum, 5 ½ x 8 ½, 70 page trade book, ISBN 978-0-9679441-8-0, Price 8.99, SHIPPING & HANDLING $3.50/BOOK (USA).
Thelma Johnson is a Mess!
Your tickle box will turn over as you let Thelma Johnson take you to a whole new level in the spiritual experience. That Thelma is a mess I tell you. What she's up to now is guaranteed to bring non-stop laughter if you stop by for a visit. She's a tuff old gal that takes stuff off of nobody. "Some Folks just can't take godly advise!" Thelma said. A must read book, "A Church with Spots and Wrinkles," by Deborah Elum, 5 ½ x 8 ½, 100 page trade book, ISBN 0-7392-0123-9, Price $9.99, SHIPPING & HANDLING $3.95/Book (USA).
Good to the Last Drop!
Hold on to your funny bone as a pair of energetic seventy-five year old twin sisters put a smile on your face, laughter in your heart, and joy in your soul. Take another sip, sit back, and savor your visit at the barbershop. Catch up on how the fellows feel about women, love, marriage, and the church. As the story brews, this light-hearted comedy about family and friends will leave you thirsting for more. Deborah Elum, the author of, "A Church with Spots and Wrinkles," is back with a new comedy, "Wake Up and Smell the Coffee!" ISBN: 0-9679441-4-7. 150 pages, suggested retail price:$11.99, SHIPPING & HANDLING $3.95/Book (USA).
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Thelma's Mail Box
People are always asking me different questions. Now, I'm gonna make time to answer some of your questions and post them to my site. So hurry up and write to me. I'll be waiting to hear from ya, Sugar.
You can reach at:
P.O. Box 1594
Humble, TX 77347-1594